Some questions to start with: is a spell of verbal abuse any more tolerable than a cheating spouse? Is a sexless relationship any more tolerable than a relationship void of respect or love? Is an open relationship any more or less acceptable than secret infidelity?
I use two words in these questions very purposefully; tolerable and acceptable. Relationships, notably long-lasting marriages, are an exercise in tolerating things you prefer not to for the sake of commitment. Relationships are also defined by both participants and outsiders determining what is and is not acceptable - this is usually where people (myself included) tend to judge other relationships. Some people call these rules, some call them morals, and some call them mandates from God. These rules, if you will, are different for everyone.
For some, years of drug abuse is tolerable, while a regretful act of infidelity is not. For others, the sharing of finances and spending is more strictly regulated than promiscuity. Still, others have seemingly conventional rules yet have lost any feelings of love between the individuals.
In my limited relationship experience, my own idea of what is acceptable and tolerable leans heavily to the conventional side. But I know that what is right for me has two characteristics: it is only applicable to me and my life, and it may change over the course of my life. I haven't been with anyone for more than a couple years, so I don't know how more or less tolerable I'll be with someone after 20 years of marriage. I also know that my definition of a relationship is my own, and that hopefully helps me to be less judgmental of other relationships.
It seems strange to be writing about relationships considering I'm single...but having had a good bit of time pass since my last committed relationship allows me to look back at the big picture of things. Whatever your philosophy is, you need to define your unique relationship with your partner clearly. You also have to trust that he or she will honor that. This relationship defining moment isn't unique to the altar at your wedding, or your first DTR talk...people change throughout their whole lives, so relationships also change throughout their lives.
I must say thank you to two good friends and a bottle of 1800 for opening up this conversation over lunch earlier today. I'm sure it's a conversation that will continue...
